There & Back

Rob and Phil drive down to Wembley, full of anticipation and excitement as Leeds United take on Chelsea FC in the FA Cup semi-final. But the journey home becomes a race against time, as the revelations of the night before begin to surface — and something threatens to soil Phil and Rob’s friendship

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:15

One more time! Wembley, Wembley! We're the famous leads united, and we're off to Wembley. Wembley! Wembley! Yes, ma'am!

SPEAKER_05 0:32

Come on! Oh, Phil, you can't beep every car with a lead scarf. I can and I will. Whee! Come on!

SPEAKER_03 0:41

Uh Phil, we we've not even got to Skelton Lake and you beeped over fifty times.

SPEAKER_05 0:49

Hey mate. Yeah, I suppose it is getting a bit much, isn't it? Yeah. Like every other car has a lead scaff flying though. Oh, it's like an army mobilising on London, on Wembley. With one goal in mind, victory. London won't know what's hit it as the Yorkshire hordes descend. You know what? You watched far too many war documentaries as the Leeds battalions march on the capital to defeat the Axis of Evil. Chelsea, yes. Oh, come on. Just be nice just to see a goal. But it's a little by that, Phil. No, no, no, no. Hey, look, look. I think we can do them. I do. But I've been to Wembley so many times and not even seen her score. Just just give me that at the very least.

SPEAKER_03 1:29

Oh, we'll score today, Phil. I fancy as I really do. They've got that bloody caretaker teacher in.

SPEAKER_05 1:35

Ah, yeah. I'd prefer Drossini, mate. Oh, I know, I know. But the new bloke can't solve it all in a matter of days, can it? I've just got a feeling those greedy bastards will start playing now they've got him sacked and there's a chance of a trophy. So my minimum ask is, you know, just to see a goal. Just a goal, you know, one that matters. Not a consolation goal when we're 5-0 down. I'll take a goal at 2-0 down, you know. Just sum it to give us to properly cheer. Do you know what I mean? A goal that matters. Just one goal. Give me one goal, Leeds.

SPEAKER_03 2:03

You've been the positive one recently.

SPEAKER_05 2:05

I thought we were winning all of our games. Yeah, yeah, but I've got PTSD, and I going down at Wembley. You know, I were there at the League Cup final in 96 at Doncaster. Jesus, don't worry. Southampton last year, chucking Watford at Cardiff and all. You know, just give me a win, obviously. But at the very least, at the very least, gimme a goal. I'm telling you, we are doing them, Phil. Trust me. I hope so, Rob. I really do, I really do. Look, if we start like we did at Old Trafford, I can see it. You know, get the crowd going and they'll be more concerned about the flipping summer move to Real Madrid than another FA Cup final.

SPEAKER_03 2:38

Maybe. What do you mean, maybe? Ah semi-finals and finals are different. Cagey. Yeah, you don't want to go too gung ho and give them something stupid away.

SPEAKER_05 2:47

We've got to get into them, Rob. You know, from the off. Best we've lucked this season, it's going for it. Yeah, but this is different. Dow bollocks. It's the same game. It's not though, is it? It's Wembley, it's a big occasion. Yeah, but it might not come around again, right? 1987 was the last time, Rob. So give it everything, right? Don't leave anything out there. And please, please, for the love of God, gimme a goal to celebrate at Wembley. Yeah, amen. Go on, then. Final prediction. Uh 2-1, leads. You? Oh, 2-0. Ockafor. DCL. Yes. Oh, I hope you're right. Actually, could you stop at skeleton services? I need a pest. Are you joking? We're not even out of leads. Oh, for fuck's sake. Come on, Phil, please. I'll give you Rotherham. No, Phil, please. It's Rotherham or nothing. Phil, come on. For fuck's sake. Alright, alright. But only because we are the famously United hour of to Wembley. Wembley!

SPEAKER_04 3:45

Wembley! The famously united and we're off to Wembley.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

Come on! Rothery Blows! Unlead United's Wembley Blows. No goal here since 1992. And the Chelsea Cup winding continues. They cannot get past the boys in blue.

SPEAKER_05 4:12

Oh sh shit, what time is it? Where are we? Calm down, sunshine. We're on his way home and we're making good time. Well, ish.

SPEAKER_02 4:21

Oh shit, what happened?

SPEAKER_05 4:22

Well, we got beat by Chelsea at Wembley again and failed to score at Wembley again, so.

SPEAKER_02 4:28

Yeah, I remember that, eh?

SPEAKER_05 4:29

Yeah. Hmm. So, we agreed to go for, well, one after the game, which turned into two, which turned into seven. What? You'll be over the limit. Oh, calm down, dear. I'm on the flipping zeros, wanna. Anyway, which turned into you getting on the karaoke. Oh, God, what did I sing? Oh, you did a wonderful rendition of Don't Cry for Me, Argentina, with the updated lyrics of You're a Twatendo Fernandez! You're just a cheating Argentine! Oh no! Oh yeah, it went down the stone with the Leeds fans, but uh, you know, not so much with the DJ, who, as well as being a Chelsea fan, was of Argentinian descent, so. Oh no, you're lying. So after being asked not so politely to leave by the very large Eastern European doorman, we left. Please, God, no. Are you taking the piss? You seriously don't remember? It's like you're talking about someone else. He read you off the stage, march you outside with you shouting, hey, get off me, I'm a fucking teacher. Oh want to die. With half the pub singing, United are back, United are back. What was I drinking? Um lager. Brandy. Brandy. Brandy, uh, Jaeger Bones. Oh, why didn't you stop me? Um, oh, stop being a barring bastard, Philip. I didn't. Oh, you did? Oh, I'm so sorry, mate. No, give over. You were drunk and you were having, well, a good time. Please, please don't tell anyone. I'm so embarrassed. Shut up, you div. Hey, there's a chipboy and a bottle of coke there. It'll be cold now, but just get it down. Oh, I can't, I'll be sick. Please tell me I didn't do anything else. You were in Norfolk State, pal. I just got us a bite to eat, got back to the van, you passed out, and I had an hour or so myself, and here we are. Shit, what time is it? I'm I'm gonna be late. You're not gonna be late! Says we'll be at the gates at uh 7.59. We'll be fine! Oh god, I can't teach like this. Well, just you know, um stick a film on, send a term in it. That smug little twat Ollie will be loving it. Is he in your class? No, no, he's a flipping PE teacher. What? Chelsea fan? Yep. What? Teaching kids in Leeds should be illegal. He's a right wind-up merchant. Oh god, how did it come to this? Why did you let me drink so much? Just give over, get that butty down ya. Fuck, I remember crying. Was I crying? Well, kind of. Yeah. Well, started out as an angry, incoherent rant and just ended with tears. Something about loving Gemma and er me, I think. Oh, fucking hell. Oh yeah, told me you really, really love me. Fucking hell! Oh, oh right, so you didn't mean it then? Listen, listen, Rob, you need to get your head in the game now, right? You're teaching in two and a half hours. No, don't remind me. Eat that boy, get some more sleep. I'm gonna be sacked. You're getting sacked in the morning. Look, you're not getting sacked. Why I smell of booze, Phil. Ollie's gonna wind me up. I'm gonna cry and I'm gonna get sacked. Look, you need to focus, Rob! I'll not find another job. Not in this market. Bills will pile up, Gemma will leave me. So Rob, eat that boy and snap out of it. Fine.

unknown 7:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 7:43

There you go. Fuck. Tastes good actually. Mmm. Cold chips. We blew it, didn't we? We did.

SPEAKER_02 7:55

They were there for the taking, weren't they?

SPEAKER_05 7:57

Yep. 39 years. Well, let's hope it's not another 39 more. Cheating bastards. If that chance falls to anyone but Aaron saw you have to score. Asta! Hey. Great day though, eh? Hey, certainly what old pal. Yeah. We're class, we're in it.

SPEAKER_02 8:16

Oh, you know, it won't be that long again. That's uh taste of things to come because I tell you one thing.

SPEAKER_05 8:22

United are back! United are back! Hello! Hello!

SPEAKER_04 8:29

United are back! Here he is, sleeping beauty.

SPEAKER_05 8:39

Feeling better? Oh, I'm not sure. Well, not long now. Oh what? What's wrong?

unknown 8:46

Oh fuck.

SPEAKER_05 8:47

Rob!

SPEAKER_02 8:48

I need to loo.

SPEAKER_05 8:50

Oh god, well it's not far till Robert. How long's not far? Oh uh 15 minutes. I won't make it. What do you mean? I won't make it. Oh for fuck's sake. Pull over. It's the motorway, Rob! Pull over, Phil. Oh Jesus, just calm down here. Um use that bottle, look, I won't look. No no Phil, you don't understand. That bottle is it's not gonna do it. Oh for fuck's sake. Still pull over. Well I can't now. I'm sorry. What? I'm sorry, mate, I really. Rob, what are you doing? Rob Rob No! Rob, get back in your seat! Uh stop grabbing me! I'm telling you! Rob, there'll be a lay by, Rob, don't do it! I'm sorry. Rob, get back in here right now! Oh, where's that fucking fucking? Rob, no! Where's the book in here? No, don't you dare! Rob, no! It's okay. Rob, you're taking the There is some wipes back here. Rob, the mully use cleaning wipes, Rob! Rob, there'll be a lay-by and the box. Rob, we can make it. Don't do this, Rob, please. It's my work van. Rob! Sorry.

SPEAKER_01 9:42

I'm so sorry, Phil. Rob! Truly I am.

SPEAKER_05 9:44

Rob no! No! Oh Jesus Christ, it stinks! I'm out, Phil. Sorry, mate, I really am.

unknown 9:54

No.

SPEAKER_05 10:02

Phil, I'm really sorry about it. Just shut up. Stop talking. You've got to say something. We are never discussing what happened in this van again. Will we make it? Maybe a few minutes later, but you'll get there.

SPEAKER_01 10:24

Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 10:26

Phil, I'm really sorry. Never.

SPEAKER_02 10:39

You did it. Oh yeah. It's just um. I'm broken, Phil. I don't know if I can go in. Oh, you'll be fine not after not after what just happened.

SPEAKER_05 10:49

Well, I don't know what you're talking about. Phil, I feel vulnerable. I have no idea what you're referring to. Alright. Phil. No, no, no, no, no, Rob. Listen to me. Listen to me. You can do this, alright. Say it. I can I can do this. There we go. Big boy, you're gonna have a lovely day at school now, right?

SPEAKER_02 11:11

I'm gonna have a lovely day at school.

SPEAKER_05 11:12

Yeah, well, you don't have to keep repeating me. Okay. Now listen, you go in there and you'll be confident and you'll only give you any stick. He's gonna bring the game up. Right. We don't listen to Chelsea Scum, do we? No. No, we don't. Okay. If he doesn't leave you alone, I'll be able to have a word with him at 3 p.m. Okay. Okay. You go in there and you have a lovely day at school. You've been listening to Ups and Downs. Rob was played by Dean Smith. Bill was played by Paul Fox. Written by Christopher Collin and Paul Fox with additional material from the creative team. Directed by Christopher Collin. It was produced by Ed Heaton.