Ups and Downs - A Leeds United Audio Series
Phil and Rob are lifelong Leeds United fans; and complete opposites when it comes to following the club. Rob’s the optimist. Phil’s the pessimist, shaped by years of Leeds-induced damage.
Over a pint, they chew over the latest Leeds chaos team selections, dodgy decisions, last-minute drama, and the emotional toll of following this club. Follow them through the season as they ride the wins, survive the losses, and overthink the draws.
Written by Chris O’Connor (Through It All Together, Inside Elland Road), performed by lifelong Leeds fan Paul Fox and Dean Smith of The Square Ball and produced by Bielsa widow Ed Heaton.
A pint-fuelled podcast comedy drama about hope, fear, friendship — and sticking with Leeds through the ups & downs.
Ups and Downs - A Leeds United Audio Series
We're Off To Wembley?
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Phil celebrates getting a ticket to the FA Cup semi-final, while things are looking far less promising for Rob. With desperation setting in, Rob begins considering one or two dodgy connections. And amid all the jubilation, there’s still time to celebrate Leeds United’s precious away draw against Bournemouth.
We've been through it all together, and we've had our hopes and downs and downs Now then, Philip.
SPEAKER_02Oh Wembley! Wembley! I'm the famous Furley Panther, and I'm off to Wembley. Wembley, Wembley! You got a ticket, then? Yes, I did, Robbie Boy. I am off to Wembley. So, how'd you get on? Unsuccessful. Oh no, you're fucking joking me.
SPEAKER_00No, no, no. I tried both ballots, but no ticket. Fucking now, how's that?
SPEAKER_02You've been to more games than me.
SPEAKER_00They can't fit all of us in, can they? We can sell it ten times over, and that's not taking into account all the tickets they give to the corporates and bloody influences and all that.
SPEAKER_02Oh, for fuck's sake, Rob. Have you have you tried Johnny?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, nothing. Nothing. However, there is a slight chance Gemma's uncle Jeremy might not go. He's like 80 or something, and he's got dodgy knees, uh, so they're trying to talk him out of going, but I mean he's Legion I potty. Yeah, said you'd have to kill him to stop him.
SPEAKER_02Hey, well I'll do it. He's had a good eddings. Don't worry, I'll make it quick.
SPEAKER_00You can have a job on your hands, he's ex-service crew.
SPEAKER_02Really?
SPEAKER_00So he says.
SPEAKER_02Hey, well, I'll keep looking anyway.
SPEAKER_00Nah, I won't waste your time. Every man and his dogs have to one.
SPEAKER_02I I can try for now.
SPEAKER_00Thanks, pal. I appreciate it.
SPEAKER_02Hey, just send me Uncle Jeremy's address just in case.
SPEAKER_00It's okay. Uh Daddy's here. Uh look, I've got to go, Phil. Um I'll speak to you later, alright?
SPEAKER_02Alright, mate, okay. See ya.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Oh, fuck's sake.
SPEAKER_00Come on, Phil! Did you see Adams afterwards? Get in!
SPEAKER_02Hey, hey! Check your inbox! What? Check your inbox, lad! No way. Yo, the famous Robbie Accroydon, you're off to Wembley. Well fucking way. Wembley, yes fucking way. Oh, Phil, this better not be one of your wind-ups. Hey, as if I'd wind you up about this.
SPEAKER_00Shit, what uh what email address did you send it? Hang on. Is this your ticket?
SPEAKER_02I'm not having you not going.
SPEAKER_00No, Phil, you can't. Rob, you're going. No, no, no fucking way, Phil. I can't take it.
SPEAKER_02Rob, Rob, I am not taking no. No, no, no, mate, I can't, I can't. Rob, Rob, I'm gonna stop you there, mate. Listen to me. There is no way on God's green earth I am going to that game ahead of you. Right. No way on earth. So before you say anything more, know that. No way, absolutely no way. I am not letting you not get to Wembley. Even if I had to break you in, you'd be getting there. So don't start with the old, oh, I couldn't, you know, I couldn't possibly take the ticket. Oh, you're such a fantastic person, so kind and caring and um and thoughtful and and handsome, you know.
SPEAKER_00It's mate mate, I I am speechless.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, well listen, after the year you've had. Well but what about you? Well, I'm still trying. And hey, might still get one. And if not, there's plenty of big screens in Leeds. Hey, Ruby actually fancies watching it for a change, which will be nice. You've got to get a ticket, mate. Yeah, I know. Like I said, I'm still trying. Hey, I've actually got a bloke getting back to me about one in the Chelsea, and so.
SPEAKER_00Okay, now you'll get killed.
SPEAKER_02What? By a bunch of kids. Most of their only came on board after a Bramovicin. Anyway, I'll just play it safe.
SPEAKER_00You've got a tattoo of the Yorkshire Rose. I'll cover it up. It's on your neck. I'll wear a scarf! Well, it's gotta be twenty degrees, mate. And you sound more Yorkshire than Sean Bean.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, well, I'll be fine. I can do accents. Oh, can you go on then? Go bri me, Gav, I can't fucking loose this fucking mob, they get right on my fucking wick! Ricky! Yeah, well, you're fucked, Phil. Well look, I ain't got the ticket yet, alright. And I'm still starting to get one in the leads, then, so you never know. Yeah. Mate, I er I don't know what to say. Yeah, well, don't say anything. Well, you can say I'm fantastic. Just, you know, make sure you enjoy it. You get down there early and get a few beers.
SPEAKER_00Well, uh, hopefully you'll be with me.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, hopefully.
SPEAKER_00Ah, shit, he's up again. Uh uh, look, it's just me tonight, Phil. I've gotta go.
SPEAKER_02Alright, hey, don't worry. Speak soon.
SPEAKER_00Thanks again.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, go be your dad.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, honestly, thank you, mate.
SPEAKER_02Alright, mate. See you soon, Rob, I'm gonna have to call you back, mate. I'm skimming.
SPEAKER_00He's the famous Philip Anza Nanny's off to Wembley.
SPEAKER_02Shut up!
SPEAKER_00He's the famous Philip Anza and he's off to Embelly. How? Oh, connections.
SPEAKER_02Oh, hey, did you kill Uncle Jeremy to get me the ticket? Hey, hope you made it quick.
SPEAKER_00Well, I did think about it. I did have to in the end, uh Gemma's mum gave him the older if you have a fall at your age talk. And he wasn't happy about it, but he said I could have it as long as I give the Chelsea a good kick in if I see any.
SPEAKER_02The famous Fairly Bouncer, and I'm off to Wembley! Wembley is everything alright, love? I'm off to Wembley! Wembley! Hold on, Rob. Wembley! I'm off to I'm off to Wembley for the football, love. The football! Leeds United! Oh, hey, watch that what's that wall, love? It's still wet. Oh Rob. Let me call you back, mate. Let me call you back. I'm I'm off to watch Leeds United at Wembley. What oh that that's nice. Wembley. Is that the famous Rob B. Ackroyd who is off to Wembley?
SPEAKER_00Oh yes. Speaking, is that the famous Philip Hansen who is off to Wembley?
SPEAKER_02The very same. Right. Let's cut to the chase. Travel. So, I've looked at the trains, but they're wanting daft money, so. Oh, how much? 200 quid a pop. 300 some of them. Ah, suck that. Yeah, exactly. What about coach? Er, well, there's a few spots, but listen, the idea of a six hour coach trip on the way back just. Yeah, well, I mean, especially if we uh hey, hey, hey, hey, don't say it. No, no, no, I mean just like No no no no no no no no, don't say it, Rob.
SPEAKER_00Okay, right. Uh, but yeah, six hour coach trip, uh, not ideal. Uh and I can't drive, Gemma needs the car.
SPEAKER_02Well, but I can.
SPEAKER_00What in the tranny?
SPEAKER_02In the tranny.
SPEAKER_00But don't you want a drink?
SPEAKER_02I mean, I don't need one. But if I get swept up in the moment, hey, we can always skip in the back of the van.
SPEAKER_00Philip, you've done a shit in that van.
SPEAKER_02Not for a while, I am.
SPEAKER_00Oh, well, well that's okay then.
SPEAKER_02And uh I'll sling a mattress in the back.
SPEAKER_00Ooh, a mattress. When you put it like that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, we got any better offers?
SPEAKER_00Well, no, anyway, I can't. I you know I've got to work.
SPEAKER_02Okay, okay. Look, worst case scenario, if we do get swept up in the madness and we need to crash for a couple of hours, you know.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, look, okay, right, I'm I'm I'm fine with whatever, but I need to be at those school gates for 8 a.m. Win, lose, madness, whatever, come hello, high water. Do you promise me? Phil?
SPEAKER_02No! Noah oker for the whites have never had a play like you before. He went to old Trafford on a Monday night. Two in the Strepford and their fucking shite. I said no, no a Ocker for the Whites have never had a play like you before. He went to Old Trafford on a Monday night, two in the Strepford and their fucking shite. A Wembley, a Wembley. We're the famous Lady United, and we're off to Wembley. Wembley, a Wembley.
SPEAKER_01You've been listening to Ups and Downs. Rob was played by Dean Smith, Phil was played by Paul Fox. Written by Chris O'Connor and Paul Fox with additional material from the creative team. Directed by Chris O'Connor. It was produced by Ed Heaton. Theme song by Claire O'Connor. We've been through it all together. And we've had our ups and dumb.